Catholic Church To Allow Divorced Lesbian Women Who Have Had Abortions To Become Priests
The most high Catholic priest of Ireland, the Archbishop of Dublin Diarmuid Martin, is expected to make an announcement this week that the Catholic Church will finally allow women priests, gay people, divorcees into their ranks as well as announce that abortions ‘are grand’.
‘We have, for too long, stood in the way of progress with our backwards misogynistic, racist, bigoted views but from today the Church has reached a new milestone and I am delighted to welcome the sexy lesbians in to our beloved Church’ stated Martin, salivaly.
For thousands of years the Church has held on to a ‘traditional view’ of marriage stemming from the Bible, (seemingly the one of one man and many wives was ignored), of one man and one woman. Society began to turn it’s back on the church and with mass goers in decline a new radical approach was needed.
‘Most Irish people are Protestants as they disagree with the Catholic ethos. If you wear a condom you are a Protestant, if you have premarital sex, if you divorce you are a Protestant, and on and on’ Stated Religious scholar Brian Fairchild ‘so in order to bring back the flock the Vatican decided to overturn centuries of shitehawkism’.
The lesbians are expected to not join the Church in their droves and we can expect to have absolutely no lesbians preaching mass by 2020 as they have more respect than that.